Day 2

 

It's been a day. I am keeping things light today and only working on maintaining what is already done with a few exceptions. None of which I have done yet. It's only 3 pm. I did do dishes once, Dashed, striped Jamey's bed, and washed the remaining laundry (minus Jamey's bedclothes.) 

(Ok, so I guilted myself into going to start Jamey's bed clothes, and before anyone comes at me with the "He's 30, he should be able to do his own." He can't. He can put them into the washer but getting them out and into the dryer takes bending, which he can't do. But hey, if anyone needs a washer loader? He's all yours ) 

Today's a weird day. I just feel... Off. Not overly good, not bad, just off. It looks like we have another storm coming in, Eddie will be off work soon. 

  Dinner dishes are done, the fridge is partially cleaned out, the bathroom is clean. I need to wash the rugs. The litter boxes are done. I swept the living room. My computer is acting up and not connecting to wifi. It desperately needs replaced, but it's gonna be awhile. I can't justify buying a computer when we need a car, we need curtains... It's also put a hold on my crystals purchases. 

Half of the stands are now out of my room. I had to take Fluffy off the top to finish putting some crystals and my money bowl there. The rest will need to wait for Jim and Ed's help. I'm sure I'll be told it won't work, but I plan on making it work. 

I'll eventually have to replace the one from Dad, but for now... 

Day 1

 My sink and counter are clean. My kitchen is currently as clean as I can get it. My laundry room is currently as clean as I can get it. I scooped the litter pans. I'm gonna itch for a week, but the litter pans are clean. I'm also the one who changed them. I now have 4 loads of laundry to fold. But that's fairly easy. Laundry is on going. 

The things we need to relace: The stove, the refrigerator, laundry room floor, kitchen floor, dining room floor, both sons' bedroom floors. We're currently having a thunderstorm. The winds aren't too crazy, but I do hope things cool down afterwards. I'm drenched from the little work I did. 

Dinner dishes are done. Laundry is all folded. Ed found a new load of dirty laundry in his room which is now currently in the washer. I have maybe two loads of blankets left and tomorrow, we start all over again. BUT, the boys actually put away their clothes (I had been thinking of taking their dressers out of their rooms if they didn't. They put them away without me threatening. I'm drenched again. I'll be getting a shower here shortly, cause I don't even want to think about how bad I smell. 

Jim's on his way home, his dinner is in the fridge. I still need to vacuum. With 10 fur bearing animals running around it needs done a couple times a day. Plus, I'm shedding as bad as one of the cats right now. 

1. Finish whatever laundry is left. Someone else is mating the damned socks. I refuse. 
2. Move the either one or both shelves out of my room to the living room. 
3. Bathroom
4. Jamey's bed clothes. 

I'm fine

So yeah, it's been awhile. We have a lot going on. Let's see, for a fast rewind, we lost a monster under the bed, we lost Jojo, and we lost Dad. 

The Monster under the bed, was an affectionate name for Roscoe. We found out on July 4th that Roscoe was actually a lot older than we thought. He more than acted like a grumpy old man. He was an old man. 

Jojo, hadn't been doing well for a long time. He came to us with Angel, and we lost Angel over the summer. 

Dad, on Saturday night, July 18th, Brandy called to say that Dad was being taken the emergency room by ambulance to Allegheny general. We found out then he had a heart attack, but he was stable. He did well through Sunday, towards Sunday evening he took a turn for the worse, even then I thought we would be discussing stents being put in on Monday morning. Around 10:30, Dawn called to tell me he took a turn for the words and to get down there if I could. By the time I got my pants on, there was no more time. I was able to say I love you, for that I am extremely extremely grateful. Dawn and Brandy were with him. He was calling out to Grandma. Life has kind of been a blur since. 

It hasn't all been doom and gloom. I did get two new parakeets after Ziva tried to feed Sky to Fluffy. We now have Lavender and Lemon drop. They are both males according to my research. Lavender has a beautiful purple color above his beak. 

Yes, I am skimming over my dad's death. I can't talk about it now. Dad and I had such a rocky relationship, I just need time. I need to figure it out on my own. At one point, I thought he was just ignoring me, that he didn't want anything to do with me, and then I found out that he just didn't remember how to use his phone. I'm going to take the time I need. I don't know if I'll know when it's time to stop grieving. I don't know who's ever time that it does stop. Or we just learn to deal. 

We came to a period in Jamey's liver disease journey that I really wasn't looking forward to. He's been to prescribed lactulose. Which basically means his liver is not compensating as well as it had been. It's a laxative design to remove ammonia from the body and to get it he had to be proven to have HE. It's a case of we knew it would happen, but we didn't want it to.

Lactulose is a prescription man-made sugar solution used to treat long-term constipation and liver-related brain problems. It works as an osmotic laxative by pulling water into your large intestine to soften hard stool. 

 It's going fairly well. It would be easier if we had more than one bathroom, but it is what it is. I'm hoping some of the changes that led to this medication don't become permanent. But, in all honesty, it's basically a little forgetfulness... I forget things myself. And things HAVE been stressful around here. He was denied SSI again. He couldn't make it to Dad's funeral. Money is always tight. Life is stressful. 

1. Money. It's always the top of the list. We need a new car before our current one breaks down.
2. My health. I don't handle stress well lately. And it's getting worse. I keep breaking out in hives in very painful places. The allergy meds used to be enough, but now I'm doubling 2 different kinds and not having a doctor or insurance is worrisome. 
3. Family drama.
4. Not getting help around the house. Having to fight everyone just to get simple chores done. 
5. I don't have the energy or will to do much at all. 
6. I want out. I want to get away from all of this and just be alone. And I feel guilty about that. I don't have the heart nor the drive for any of this anymore. And let's face it, no one's begging me to stay nor are they making things any easier. I miss having dreams, I miss having something to look forward to. And I STILL feel guilty about it. 

I don't feel like there is any of me here. I'm not even me. Every time I try to bring a part of myself here, I get shot down. There's no money to fix the floors, my shelves can't be put up, I'm tired, after this game, I will, Give me a minute. Well, I'm tired too. I'm dealing with panic attacks constantly, I don't want the past 36 years to continue. I deserve respect, I deserve help. I'm not the only one living here. 

The pity party is over. Not that much has changed other than I am now demanding what I want and it will be done. I'm 2 days away from my 36th anniversary. This family WILL be a family that works together. One of my new boundaries is to demand respect. They'll either do as I ask or live with the consequences and they won't like the consequences. If I have to go in and clean their rooms, everything that creates a mess will be gone. If that means no eating in their rooms? Fine. If that means the dining room turns into dresser storage?  Fine. If that means dirty clothes end up in the trash? Fine. Life is not returning to Market, Franklin or Buffalo Streets. I'm standing up for myself. 

And Monday and Tuesday? There's only Jamey and myself home. Tomorrow, I'm cutting up the kitchen carpet. possibly, I may wait until I can pick up something to seal it until I can afford tile. I'll let both Jim and Ed know that I'll do what I want. Those two need to be taken down a peg or two with the attitude. The carpeting in the four rooms is the smell. Removing it will make us all healthier. 

The people before us left a cat unattended. My own animals aren't helping matters. I think the carpeting on the stairs comes up today.

1. Lawn is mowed (Eddie)
2. Dishes are done.
3. Counter and table in kitchen cleaned. 
4. 1 load of laundry (except folding.) 

1. Fold 3 loads of laundry
2. Wash the rest of the laundry
3. Dry the rest of the laundry
4. Vacuum
5. Litter pans (Eddie)
6. Dinner
7. Dishes
8. 1 kitchen wall
9. Stove
10. Freezer

 

I'm so tired

 

And it's not just the fact that I was up itching half the night. I know what's been causing the majority of my stress, I've complained about it before. It comes from in my own household and I share some of the blame. I'm not afraid to admit it. I've let it go on for 36 years. It's time that I stop being disrespected. 

Shadow work is a psychological and spiritual practice focused on exploring the unconscious mind to uncover repressed emotions, hidden fears, and unhealed traumas. It aims to help you accept and integrate your "shadow self" (the parts of your personality you typically hide or deny) in order to achieve wholeness, self-awareness, and personal growth.

 

 I'm tired of feeling lost:

I don't know who I am anymore. I think I used to, but I honestly don't know anymore. I've lost my identity and my sense of purpose. It's become entangled in this household and it seems impossible to unwrap it. I know I'm more than mother, wife, and feline door opener. I'm a whole person. 

I'm tired of feeling unloved:

I feel constant disrespect. You can't love something you disrespect. I feel like I'm just being taken advantage of. And that's something I have allowed for far too long. At one point it was to take care of my children, but they're grown adults now who only learned that I'm a rug under their feet because of  it.  They learned it from their father and from my parents and lets face it, the rest of the family. I did what they refused it until I could be thrown away. It's time to stop. I'm not a toy or a tissue. I'm a grown woman with feelings and it's time that they are appreciated. I'm no ones doormat. 

I'm tired of feeling unwanted. 

I'm of no use until someone wants something and then suddenly, I'm important again. I'm no ones first choice. This also goes with I'm tired of feeling used. 

I am so tired of feeling overwhelmed.

And I claim that I'm easily overwhelmed, but I'm normally very good in a crisis. I am overwhelmed by the sheer amount of things that need to be done, the fact that I have few resources, and I have no help. I don't think anyone else even wants to make this house a home. It seems to me that they are ok with the emotional and physical chaos of it all. They don't seem to even want to try to clean up after themselves or anyone/thing else. This is one I will deep dive into in the future. It's a constant feeling of dread, and it has thrown me so deeply into depression at times, it just doesn't seem worth surviving. It's the biggest source of the crippling anxiety I've had in the past. This is what I need to heal from. 

I'm so tired of feeling exhausted:

And it's a bone deep utter exhaustion. Where no amount of sleep is going to relieve. And it all ties in together. I. Am. Exhausted. 

It's 12:48 am

And I'm broken out in hives. Again. With no reason. I did go to sleep for a little while. I can almost take the itching at the hairline of my neck, but the hives below the waist are unbearable. This time my chest is broken out as well. I've already taken medicine and a shower. 

The lack of shower tells me that it's not my body wash or shampoo. I'm back to thinking stress and anxiety related. 

It has been a stressful week. The heatwave, losing Rosco (he died last week. The vet appointment today was originally for him.) Zero. Money is always a worry. And these freaking hives are stressful. How can I stop having anxiety induced hives when the hives themselves are anxiety inducing? 

The mother of all questions. How do I stop my body from behaving so dramatically to stressors that are no where near the issues we had 7-9 months ago?  A year ago? Or is my body reacting so violently because of the stress from then? Last year was horrible, but we survived. We're moving forward. There is light at the end of this tunnel and it's bright. And I am so very thankful for where we are now. 

So why is my body behaving like a doofus? Why am I once again waiting for allergy meds to kick in so that I can sleep (I'm not going to complain about the shower. I should have gotten that when we first got home.) And, yes, I was anxious about today. I adore my niece and nephews, I love my greats, my nephews girl friend (or is she a friend who is a girl? It doesn't matter, she's absolutely lovely. Her kids are great. As long as Kenny is happy, I'm happy for them, and Kenny is so good with those kids.) 

I guess this is what shadow work is about. I'm healing.