I'm so tired

 

And it's not just the fact that I was up itching half the night. I know what's been causing the majority of my stress, I've complained about it before. It comes from in my own household and I share some of the blame. I'm not afraid to admit it. I've let it go on for 36 years. It's time that I stop being disrespected. 

Shadow work is a psychological and spiritual practice focused on exploring the unconscious mind to uncover repressed emotions, hidden fears, and unhealed traumas. It aims to help you accept and integrate your "shadow self" (the parts of your personality you typically hide or deny) in order to achieve wholeness, self-awareness, and personal growth.

 

 I'm tired of feeling lost:

I don't know who I am anymore. I think I used to, but I honestly don't know anymore. I've lost my identity and my sense of purpose. It's become entangled in this household and it seems impossible to unwrap it. I know I'm more than mother, wife, and feline door opener. I'm a whole person. 

I'm tired of feeling unloved:

I feel constant disrespect. You can't love something you disrespect. I feel like I'm just being taken advantage of. And that's something I have allowed for far too long. At one point it was to take care of my children, but they're grown adults now who only learned that I'm a rug under their feet because of  it.  They learned it from their father and from my parents and lets face it, the rest of the family. I did what they refused it until I could be thrown away. It's time to stop. I'm not a toy or a tissue. I'm a grown woman with feelings and it's time that they are appreciated. I'm no ones doormat. 

I'm tired of feeling unwanted. 

I'm of no use until someone wants something and then suddenly, I'm important again. I'm no ones first choice. This also goes with I'm tired of feeling used. 

I am so tired of feeling overwhelmed.

And I claim that I'm easily overwhelmed, but I'm normally very good in a crisis. I am overwhelmed by the sheer amount of things that need to be done, the fact that I have few resources, and I have no help. I don't think anyone else even wants to make this house a home. It seems to me that they are ok with the emotional and physical chaos of it all. They don't seem to even want to try to clean up after themselves or anyone/thing else. This is one I will deep dive into in the future. It's a constant feeling of dread, and it has thrown me so deeply into depression at times, it just doesn't seem worth surviving. It's the biggest source of the crippling anxiety I've had in the past. This is what I need to heal from. 

I'm so tired of feeling exhausted:

And it's a bone deep utter exhaustion. Where no amount of sleep is going to relieve. And it all ties in together. I. Am. Exhausted.