Last week...

 

Last week, my sisters text things they haven't had in the month since Dad died. Little things. Sometimes annoying, but consistent. I've been beating myself up because, I still feel numb. I'm not happy, I'm not overly sad. I'm just numb. And I'm beginning to realise that part of that is because my grieving started a very long time ago. Since before I gave Dad back his key. I stopped having the phone calls (unless I called first) He stopped showing up at my door, or walking past. In reality, Dad has only been partially in my life for years now. Since the fire. 

I don't want to relive that here. The fire was the beginning of a new life without a whole lot of people. Some are still on the fringes. I suspect one might be reading this now. I've grown since then, I've moved on. I like to say that I held little funerals in my head for those I walked away from. Deep down, I have to admit that it still hurts, but I won't allow it to control me. I won't play victim to some great injustice. But I also will never forgive those who made a mockery of my Grandfathers' sacrifice with swastikas on the walls, nor those who allowed it.  They may not remember, but our biological grandfather never came home and our adoptive grandfather lost an eye and his hearing. 

I also can't forgive that they mocked my son. Setting things up like a crack house with his medicine syringes. It most likely was funny to them. And no one stopped them. And when things were coming around just a little, I was hit in the face when I politely refused an outing I couldn't afford with a punch proving that they had a second family text stream without me, where they made fun of me. I'm no ones punch line. Yes, we're struggling. But, I refuse to stoop to the level of hurtful. I didn't ask them for anything, I just left them know that I couldn't go to the theater. (Yeah, I'm still bitter on that one) 

I just don't know what that means for the now. I had requested not to be contacted unless it had to do with Dad, a couple of times. Dad's gone. Do I still have an extended family? Do I want the pain that goes along with that? I can't trust them. I won't ask for anything and I won't beg them to accept me. But I do care about what happens to them. I think I always will. I mourn the hope of a close family. Dad was the last thread holding things together. And no, I'm not playing victim. I know I had my place in all of this. I could have reached out more. Coulda, shoulda, woulda if I was a stronger person. 

I was weak, petty and afraid. Afraid of rejection, afraid of being made fun of. Afraid of trusting the wrong people again. I have a strong history of that one. But, I guess if I want to be as fearless as I claim to be, I need to grow a thicker skin. 

I can either mourn the loss of the thought of a close family or suck things up and try to fit in and pretend to trust, I can wish the best for them and live my life my way and hope maybe sometime in the future, they'll feel the same. I'm not going to hold my breath, but I guess there's no harm in hoping. But, I'm not burying myself or squeezing myself into some sort of mold. They either accept who I am, or we all move on. And I'll hold more little funerals in my head. 

Day 3-10

 

Today, I'm not doing much of anything. It's our 36th Wedding Anniversary. We are going Dashing tonight. But, the house is as clean as it's getting until Friday when Jim goes back to work. I'm delegating maintenance chores.  Laundry, dishes, litter boxes and vacuuming. 

If you had asked me in 1990 if I thought I would still be married 36 years later, I couldn't have answered you. Yeah, things can be rough, but we're still here. I love him and rarely can imagine life without him. No marriage is perfect and I'm not going to paint things as such. He's a major pain in my rear at times, but he's MY pain in the rear. 

I'm not going to be showing off flowers or some exotic gift. We don't do that kind of stuff. Would it be nice? Yeah, but if he walked in with flowers, I would probably be ticked about spending the money on something that will die in a few days. 

1. Zero's vet appointment tomorrow.
2. Dashing 
3. Get the rest of the shelves up.
4. Possibly get carpet up and out
5. Keep the cats from batting at my birds (Bear is on the crap list today.) 
6. Try not to itch. 
7. Remember to take medication before I'm going out of my mind itching. (I forgot today)

We went dashing for a bit after Jim got off work and I heard a very familiar click. When I asked, he informed me that the ball joint was bad. We had broken down back in January and were without a car for weeks. I made him bring us back home and after a few phone calls, we borrowed a car from Sarah's mother in law. She is a dear sweet lady. Tonight, we're going out and getting it washed and vacuumed out. Tomorrow, we should have a new to us car. Then we'll call and have the Accord towed away. 

Zero's appointment was cancelled, my birds are safe. The dogs ate a shelf. The carpet is still down. And I'm back to taking ibuprofen to sit and walk. 

When stressed, I've been getting hives on very sensitive spots. It's not a disease, I've been tested for all with my pregnancies and I have only been with one person the entire time. Weird, I know. I even told him that if I hadn't been with him nearly 24 hours a day for months, I would be blaming him for being a dirty dirty man. But it started after a urinary tract infection caused a yeast infection at the same time and I couldn't get to a doctor for treatment. Since then, whenever I have an anxiety attack, or get stressed, first the hives on my arm kick up and then hives start down below. I have scratched myself to bleeding in my sleep. 

Nothing much has been done. It's hard when you can barely walk. This time has been incredibly painful. Nothing works for long. Jim's off again tomorrow and we'll be busy most of the day, but Thursday...

Day 2

 

It's been a day. I am keeping things light today and only working on maintaining what is already done with a few exceptions. None of which I have done yet. It's only 3 pm. I did do dishes once, Dashed, striped Jamey's bed, and washed the remaining laundry (minus Jamey's bedclothes.) 

(Ok, so I guilted myself into going to start Jamey's bed clothes, and before anyone comes at me with the "He's 30, he should be able to do his own." He can't. He can put them into the washer but getting them out and into the dryer takes bending, which he can't do. But hey, if anyone needs a washer loader? He's all yours ) 

Today's a weird day. I just feel... Off. Not overly good, not bad, just off. It looks like we have another storm coming in, Eddie will be off work soon. 

  Dinner dishes are done, the fridge is partially cleaned out, the bathroom is clean. I need to wash the rugs. The litter boxes are done. I swept the living room. My computer is acting up and not connecting to wifi. It desperately needs replaced, but it's gonna be awhile. I can't justify buying a computer when we need a car, we need curtains... It's also put a hold on my crystals purchases. 

Half of the stands are now out of my room. I had to take Fluffy off the top to finish putting some crystals and my money bowl there. The rest will need to wait for Jim and Ed's help. I'm sure I'll be told it won't work, but I plan on making it work. 

I'll eventually have to replace the one from Dad, but for now... 

Day 1

 My sink and counter are clean. My kitchen is currently as clean as I can get it. My laundry room is currently as clean as I can get it. I scooped the litter pans. I'm gonna itch for a week, but the litter pans are clean. I'm also the one who changed them. I now have 4 loads of laundry to fold. But that's fairly easy. Laundry is on going. 

The things we need to relace: The stove, the refrigerator, laundry room floor, kitchen floor, dining room floor, both sons' bedroom floors. We're currently having a thunderstorm. The winds aren't too crazy, but I do hope things cool down afterwards. I'm drenched from the little work I did. 

Dinner dishes are done. Laundry is all folded. Ed found a new load of dirty laundry in his room which is now currently in the washer. I have maybe two loads of blankets left and tomorrow, we start all over again. BUT, the boys actually put away their clothes (I had been thinking of taking their dressers out of their rooms if they didn't. They put them away without me threatening. I'm drenched again. I'll be getting a shower here shortly, cause I don't even want to think about how bad I smell. 

Jim's on his way home, his dinner is in the fridge. I still need to vacuum. With 10 fur bearing animals running around it needs done a couple times a day. Plus, I'm shedding as bad as one of the cats right now. 

1. Finish whatever laundry is left. Someone else is mating the damned socks. I refuse. 
2. Move the either one or both shelves out of my room to the living room. 
3. Bathroom
4. Jamey's bed clothes. 

I'm fine

So yeah, it's been awhile. We have a lot going on. Let's see, for a fast rewind, we lost a monster under the bed, we lost Jojo, and we lost Dad. 

The Monster under the bed, was an affectionate name for Roscoe. We found out on July 4th that Roscoe was actually a lot older than we thought. He more than acted like a grumpy old man. He was an old man. 

Jojo, hadn't been doing well for a long time. He came to us with Angel, and we lost Angel over the summer. 

Dad, on Saturday night, July 18th, Brandy called to say that Dad was being taken the emergency room by ambulance to Allegheny general. We found out then he had a heart attack, but he was stable. He did well through Sunday, towards Sunday evening he took a turn for the worse, even then I thought we would be discussing stents being put in on Monday morning. Around 10:30, Dawn called to tell me he took a turn for the words and to get down there if I could. By the time I got my pants on, there was no more time. I was able to say I love you, for that I am extremely extremely grateful. Dawn and Brandy were with him. He was calling out to Grandma. Life has kind of been a blur since. 

It hasn't all been doom and gloom. I did get two new parakeets after Ziva tried to feed Sky to Fluffy. We now have Lavender and Lemon drop. They are both males according to my research. Lavender has a beautiful purple color above his beak. 

Yes, I am skimming over my dad's death. I can't talk about it now. Dad and I had such a rocky relationship, I just need time. I need to figure it out on my own. At one point, I thought he was just ignoring me, that he didn't want anything to do with me, and then I found out that he just didn't remember how to use his phone. I'm going to take the time I need. I don't know if I'll know when it's time to stop grieving. I don't know who's ever time that it does stop. Or we just learn to deal. 

We came to a period in Jamey's liver disease journey that I really wasn't looking forward to. He's been to prescribed lactulose. Which basically means his liver is not compensating as well as it had been. It's a laxative design to remove ammonia from the body and to get it he had to be proven to have HE. It's a case of we knew it would happen, but we didn't want it to.

Lactulose is a prescription man-made sugar solution used to treat long-term constipation and liver-related brain problems. It works as an osmotic laxative by pulling water into your large intestine to soften hard stool. 

 It's going fairly well. It would be easier if we had more than one bathroom, but it is what it is. I'm hoping some of the changes that led to this medication don't become permanent. But, in all honesty, it's basically a little forgetfulness... I forget things myself. And things HAVE been stressful around here. He was denied SSI again. He couldn't make it to Dad's funeral. Money is always tight. Life is stressful. 

1. Money. It's always the top of the list. We need a new car before our current one breaks down.
2. My health. I don't handle stress well lately. And it's getting worse. I keep breaking out in hives in very painful places. The allergy meds used to be enough, but now I'm doubling 2 different kinds and not having a doctor or insurance is worrisome. 
3. Family drama.
4. Not getting help around the house. Having to fight everyone just to get simple chores done. 
5. I don't have the energy or will to do much at all. 
6. I want out. I want to get away from all of this and just be alone. And I feel guilty about that. I don't have the heart nor the drive for any of this anymore. And let's face it, no one's begging me to stay nor are they making things any easier. I miss having dreams, I miss having something to look forward to. And I STILL feel guilty about it. 

I don't feel like there is any of me here. I'm not even me. Every time I try to bring a part of myself here, I get shot down. There's no money to fix the floors, my shelves can't be put up, I'm tired, after this game, I will, Give me a minute. Well, I'm tired too. I'm dealing with panic attacks constantly, I don't want the past 36 years to continue. I deserve respect, I deserve help. I'm not the only one living here. 

The pity party is over. Not that much has changed other than I am now demanding what I want and it will be done. I'm 2 days away from my 36th anniversary. This family WILL be a family that works together. One of my new boundaries is to demand respect. They'll either do as I ask or live with the consequences and they won't like the consequences. If I have to go in and clean their rooms, everything that creates a mess will be gone. If that means no eating in their rooms? Fine. If that means the dining room turns into dresser storage?  Fine. If that means dirty clothes end up in the trash? Fine. Life is not returning to Market, Franklin or Buffalo Streets. I'm standing up for myself. 

And Monday and Tuesday? There's only Jamey and myself home. Tomorrow, I'm cutting up the kitchen carpet. possibly, I may wait until I can pick up something to seal it until I can afford tile. I'll let both Jim and Ed know that I'll do what I want. Those two need to be taken down a peg or two with the attitude. The carpeting in the four rooms is the smell. Removing it will make us all healthier. 

The people before us left a cat unattended. My own animals aren't helping matters. I think the carpeting on the stairs comes up today.

1. Lawn is mowed (Eddie)
2. Dishes are done.
3. Counter and table in kitchen cleaned. 
4. 1 load of laundry (except folding.) 

1. Fold 3 loads of laundry
2. Wash the rest of the laundry
3. Dry the rest of the laundry
4. Vacuum
5. Litter pans (Eddie)
6. Dinner
7. Dishes
8. 1 kitchen wall
9. Stove
10. Freezer