Anxiety

 My anxiety has been keeping me from posting. I've been hyperfocusing on other things. Coloring apps specifically. I normally just explain that I haven't had time, or I have a lot going on. No. It's anxiety. I'm trying to work on it. I'm not only dealing with unexpected events, but also a general shut down due to my own lack of boundaries within my relationships. Not only does change set me off, but there are so many every day triggers that have me currently in a tail spin. 

I've had anxiety for over two decades, maybe longer. I didn't get an actual diagnosis until a few years ago when a panic attack sent me to the emergency room thinking I was having a heart attack. The physical symptoms have knocked me flat on my rear. Things are a little better healthwise, but the symptoms change. I currently break out in hives all over with panic attacks. Also, ringing in the ears, vertigo, I've lost hearing in my right ear on my occasions. I break out in cold sweats. I shake all over for days afterwards. And a panic attack will make me hypersensitive to everything going on until I simply shut down out of being over whelmed. I know I need a therapist. I know I need to get back on my medication. I currently don't have insurance. My intrusive thoughts are not a danger to myself or others (unless you count the symptoms that are slowly killing me.) 

I'm not posting for pity, rather recognition of an actual disease and maybe help even one other person to seek help. And to let others know, they're not alone. This has ruined relationships for me. I am a literal nightmare when the panic sets in because I mask in either anger or hyperfixation. 

There are real physical symptoms that show with anxiety and they're downplayed because it's not an actual heart attack, it's "just anxiety". It's just stress. You just need to calm down. Mental health is so downplayed in society, yet stress is KNOWN to kill. 

Please don't let others downplay your mental health. As a biological entity, every part of your body is connected and it is actual physical health. 

One symptom I experience is exhaustion. I am constantly tired. It's a fight to do anything. I can spend days inside away from everyone, I'm actually currently typing this on my bed. I can talk myself out of doing anything including what needs to be done. I change dinner plans, procrastinate, I shouldn't trust any decision making without discussion. 

No energy: Not getting out of bed, going to the kitchen in my one floor apartment is hard, 

Isolation: I will purposely avoid going out. I'll send the boys to the store, I'll ask Jim to pick things up. I don't answer the phone. I put my phone on do not disturb and only allow emergency calls. I only have one sister on the bypass list and frequently take it down to just her and Jim and the boys. (Yes, the best way to contact me is text. And even then, I don't promise a reply.) This also part of Disinterest in everything and Foolish mistakes. And possibly Depression, most likely depression. 

Broken sleep: I'm up off and on all night. Nearly every night. 

Difficulty thinking, Forgetting words: Brain fog. I get it a lot when I am getting a cluster headache as well. Which are brought on by stress. 

This is the type of exhaustion that sleep doesn't help. 

I've been known to walk out my bedroom door, look around and walk right back in. Especially if things are out of place or as in often place, completely trashed. A lot of my anxiety comes from the home. I don't feel like I have anyone to lean on to help out. For example, yesterday: I asked everyone for help with dishes or to kill flies. Someone (cough cough me) left an unscreened window open to run a fan for the animals when we had to go out. The result is a crap ton of flies. I've been killing them as fast as I can. Jamey helped with dishes, but Jim and Ed decided that since the flies were in the screened windows, they were in the clear. (I do have them mostly gone, there are just a few pesky ones that play hit and run. I hate flies. They lead to maggots and ick. (And just the thought of them causes more anxiety.) 

Not only the home though. Crowds. I hate them. Every two weeks we have to go to the Strip district in Pittsburgh for the pharmacy. Going anywhere in Pittsburgh, especially anywhere near downtown is a nightmare of crowding, but a two block radius of restaurants, stores, etc and it's my second worse nightmare only overshadowed by being in the middle of several classrooms of kindergarteners and preschoolers. (That one came true around 20 years ago. It's still a trauma) 

Overwhelmed is defeat. I can't move. I feel utter dread. Completely defeated. I react with either total shut down or anger which makes me look bat crap crazy or a combo of both. It makes me want to run and go off on my own, leaving everyone behind. 

Overwhelmed is not fun. Someone once told me that noone should have to do it all themselves, yet they weren't willing to pitch in. Overwhelmed makes you question everything and everyone. And I've been running on it, in different degrees, for over 30 years. 

Panic is scary. Panic can cause so many health symptoms. Panic is something a lot of people poo poo as not serious. Believe me, when you heart is racing, you blood pressure is so high you can hear it, your eyes are going blurry, you can't breathe... And chest pain starts? It feels pretty serious. And it can come out of no where. It doesn't have to be some huge event. Sometimes it's as simple as a phone call you don't want to have to deal with. That doesn't bode well when you are working as a phone customer service rep. 

I physically got sick. I ended up spending the night in the ER due to chest pains and blood pressure so high that I was a stroke risk. At the same time I discovered "allergies" that I never had before. Since then, (twoish so years) I have discovered that the hives coming out of no where (when I haven't been around tea or pet urine) are because of stress. A panic attack causes hives. There is a high probability that it also caused my uvulitis. I have been on allergy meds daily for two years now. Without them, I break out and in some very sensitive areas other than my arms and back of head. I have scratched the back of my head open so many times that I lost count. 

Of course all of this leads to fear, which makes it all more stressful in a It's a vicious cycle of events. Anticipating what is going to happen, afraid if I need to go to the emergency room. I never want another stress test. I thought I was going to die. I'm afraid of the embarrassment this has caused. The judgment. Not only is there a stigma aligned with mental health, panic disorders are considered a nothing burger to overcome, and "everyone has some sort of anxiety", some people just don't understand how utterly crippling it  can be unmedicated. 

And last but not least is the worry. Which leads back to everything else. 

Let's do an update since theres so much going on

 

Zero aka Littles

He goes back to the vet next Sunday. 

He hates the cone, with a passion. It is now tied across his back because everyone (myself included) was too afraid that we would choke him if it was tight enough to keep it on his head. 

He's loving the 2 feedings of soft food a day, he hasn't put it together that he gets a meal of soft food before his medication, yet. When he does, it's not going to be fun. 

We can leave him out of the cage if we keep him blocked in the bedroom. He spent a good part of today sleeping under my stands. 

He peed on Jim when we gave him his medication this morning. And it was freaking hilarious. Jim looked so betrayed. 

The weather

Another hot one today, but it's raining again now. I'm loving that. The temp has dropped at least 10 degrees. 

The hives

Still there, but diminishing. Not as itchy. I did double dose again. 

I'm so tired

 

And it's not just the fact that I was up itching half the night. I know what's been causing the majority of my stress, I've complained about it before. It comes from in my own household and I share some of the blame. I'm not afraid to admit it. I've let it go on for 36 years. It's time that I stop being disrespected. 

Shadow work is a psychological and spiritual practice focused on exploring the unconscious mind to uncover repressed emotions, hidden fears, and unhealed traumas. It aims to help you accept and integrate your "shadow self" (the parts of your personality you typically hide or deny) in order to achieve wholeness, self-awareness, and personal growth.

 

 I'm tired of feeling lost:

I don't know who I am anymore. I think I used to, but I honestly don't know anymore. I've lost my identity and my sense of purpose. It's become entangled in this household and it seems impossible to unwrap it. I know I'm more than mother, wife, and feline door opener. I'm a whole person. 

I'm tired of feeling unloved:

I feel constant disrespect. You can't love something you disrespect. I feel like I'm just being taken advantage of. And that's something I have allowed for far too long. At one point it was to take care of my children, but they're grown adults now who only learned that I'm a rug under their feet because of  it.  They learned it from their father and from my parents and lets face it, the rest of the family. I did what they refused it until I could be thrown away. It's time to stop. I'm not a toy or a tissue. I'm a grown woman with feelings and it's time that they are appreciated. I'm no ones doormat. 

I'm tired of feeling unwanted. 

I'm of no use until someone wants something and then suddenly, I'm important again. I'm no ones first choice. This also goes with I'm tired of feeling used. 

I am so tired of feeling overwhelmed.

And I claim that I'm easily overwhelmed, but I'm normally very good in a crisis. I am overwhelmed by the sheer amount of things that need to be done, the fact that I have few resources, and I have no help. I don't think anyone else even wants to make this house a home. It seems to me that they are ok with the emotional and physical chaos of it all. They don't seem to even want to try to clean up after themselves or anyone/thing else. This is one I will deep dive into in the future. It's a constant feeling of dread, and it has thrown me so deeply into depression at times, it just doesn't seem worth surviving. It's the biggest source of the crippling anxiety I've had in the past. This is what I need to heal from. 

I'm so tired of feeling exhausted:

And it's a bone deep utter exhaustion. Where no amount of sleep is going to relieve. And it all ties in together. I. Am. Exhausted. 

It's 12:48 am

And I'm broken out in hives. Again. With no reason. I did go to sleep for a little while. I can almost take the itching at the hairline of my neck, but the hives below the waist are unbearable. This time my chest is broken out as well. I've already taken medicine and a shower. 

The lack of shower tells me that it's not my body wash or shampoo. I'm back to thinking stress and anxiety related. 

It has been a stressful week. The heatwave, losing Rosco (he died last week. The vet appointment today was originally for him.) Zero. Money is always a worry. And these freaking hives are stressful. How can I stop having anxiety induced hives when the hives themselves are anxiety inducing? 

The mother of all questions. How do I stop my body from behaving so dramatically to stressors that are no where near the issues we had 7-9 months ago?  A year ago? Or is my body reacting so violently because of the stress from then? Last year was horrible, but we survived. We're moving forward. There is light at the end of this tunnel and it's bright. And I am so very thankful for where we are now. 

So why is my body behaving like a doofus? Why am I once again waiting for allergy meds to kick in so that I can sleep (I'm not going to complain about the shower. I should have gotten that when we first got home.) And, yes, I was anxious about today. I adore my niece and nephews, I love my greats, my nephews girl friend (or is she a friend who is a girl? It doesn't matter, she's absolutely lovely. Her kids are great. As long as Kenny is happy, I'm happy for them, and Kenny is so good with those kids.) 

I guess this is what shadow work is about. I'm healing. 

Happy Fourth of July!

Zero's vet appointment is here. Zero, or Littles as we often call him, is our polydactyl kitten that my niece was going to "put outside'. His thumbs are deformed, instead of the claw growing away from his paw, they're growing into his paws. With everyone just getting back to work, we couldn't do anything about it. There is no choice now. He's in pain and it's infected. We're at the vet. He's in the cone of shame 

It doesn't show well in this picture, but he's a beautiful Ghost Tuxedo. Meaning he has the Tuxedo markings and his undercoat is a smoky gray. 

Well, it took the whole sum of Ed's paycheck and we have at least 2 more follow up appointments. He's currently resting comfortably in Drako's kennel. This is serious. There is discussions on the table to amputate the two "thumbs". He's on gabapentin for pain and an antibiotic. We'll get refills for both next Saturday. He was a little champ and no one was bitten. 

 

So, we Dash tonight and tomorrow and Ed's not so upset about giving up fishing tomorrow. If we had waited, this little guy would have suffered more or worse. 

We went to our nephews for a cook out. Jamey stayed home. The weather has his pain levels soaring. It was nice. It ended up storming and it cooled everything down fantastically. 

Now we're getting ready for bed, giving Littles his medication and gave him a little time out of the cone, only for me to turn around and see him licking his paw. Jim's a bad supervisor. As I type, he's eating his dinner. 

/Sarcasm

 

Edward is off for the weekend. I can't call them boys, they're men, they're not even young men any longer. They just ACT like teen boys. They spent the morning playing "Make Mom Jump". The potential heart attack is for extra points. Jamey is six foot five, three hundred and fifty pounds. I have no idea how he walks so quietly. Zeva is approximately 10 pounds and she's noisier. Ed tries. His ADHD works against him. 

I've been trying to get a shower for almost two hours now. T3 and Bear are laying in the tub. I don't have the heart to move them. Fluffy and Rascal join them to lay on the floor off and on. At some point, I am going to have to be the meany and make them move. I'm melting. I barely trust the electrical grid in this house to handle the low wattage fans, there is no way that I'm going to trust a high wattage air conditioner. We either melt or burn, melting is better. 

Storms are supposed to hit the area today. While I do hope they won't affect the fireworks, I sincerely can't wait. I was looking forward to the weather breaking today, but they extended the heat advisory. Not much is getting done today. It's too darned hot and the cats are hogging the shower. 

We are going to go see Jim's sister at some point. She's only here for a week. Jim's off Sunday, so we are dashing. But other than fireworks tonight (that I'm half hoping for a rain delay.. This heat HAS to go). Nothing is really planned. 

We got the dogs doggy ice cream last night. Bacon and cheese and Nuts and cheese which I'm assuming is peanut butter. I have no intent on tasting cheese flavored ice cream. I can see Edward attempting it. It didn't take them long to figure out that it was a treat they liked. Drako ended up pushing his down the stairs though after he tried eating it too quick. 

And Jamey does not appreciate my post banner today. So darned sensitive. 

Starting over

 

I'm also trying to redo my Facebook page. Not my Facebook profile, My Missy's Place Facebook page. I'm in no way ready to go back to my profile. It's too toxic there given the current political climate and the changes I've gone through the past few years. There are too many people  who wanted me to fail. At least in my opinion. And before anyone gets on a high horse, my opinion is how I see the world. I'm confident enough in myself to voice how I see things. I'm not open to debate on personal opinion. 

If you don't believe in: 

Women's healthcare including reproductive care

The freedom of and from religion

Healthcare is a human right

There are more than 2 genders

The only people who don't deserve to exist are pedofiles and abusers

Equal rights don't take away from your, it's not pie

And much much more, this may not be the page for you. And you may get your feelings hurt. 

I won't do it on purpose, but chances are that you're part of a group that loves to be a victim. I believe that our differences make us special. 

Jim's sister and great niece are arriving from Florida today. I believe tonight from what he said. July 4th is Saturday.... I honestly don't feel like celebrating. Yes, it's the 250th anniversary of our country, but theres not much to be proud of while we're committing war crimes in other countries, but here at home as well with basic concentration camps where they're rounding up migrants. I have to step away from the news quite often for my own mental health. It's something horrible every single day. 

1. Dishes.

2. It's Thursday, so money bowl

3. Brats for dinner with rice and stir fry veggies

4. Work in kitchen.

5. Try to stay coolish

6. Stop being jealous of the neighbors pool.

7. Survive. 

8. Rearrange stands and crystals in bedroom. I found the rest of my skulls!

But first coffee....

Let's do This

 I used to really enjoy blogging. It's been some time since I felt comfortable enough to start again, and I'm really not sure if I'm fully ready now. I'm not the same person as when I first started. Anyone who goes through any sort of growth is not the same as they were years ago. I still have many of the same challenges, and some new. Our world has been turned upside down and shaken like a toddler holding a snow globe in a tantrum. I think we've come out stronger because of it. 

I've closed myself out from everyone not in my own household. I'm not ready to let anyone in. And I know that's not healthy. I just don't know who to trust. I don't know if I can trust myself to know who to trust. Being the topic of conversation is not fun. I think I'm going to be cautious for a very long time. The only one I really can work on is myself, so I'm just going to do my best to become a woman I can be proud of and hope that the household follows suit. 

SO... Lets begin this journey, one step at a time.