Anxiety

 My anxiety has been keeping me from posting. I've been hyperfocusing on other things. Coloring apps specifically. I normally just explain that I haven't had time, or I have a lot going on. No. It's anxiety. I'm trying to work on it. I'm not only dealing with unexpected events, but also a general shut down due to my own lack of boundaries within my relationships. Not only does change set me off, but there are so many every day triggers that have me currently in a tail spin. 

I've had anxiety for over two decades, maybe longer. I didn't get an actual diagnosis until a few years ago when a panic attack sent me to the emergency room thinking I was having a heart attack. The physical symptoms have knocked me flat on my rear. Things are a little better healthwise, but the symptoms change. I currently break out in hives all over with panic attacks. Also, ringing in the ears, vertigo, I've lost hearing in my right ear on my occasions. I break out in cold sweats. I shake all over for days afterwards. And a panic attack will make me hypersensitive to everything going on until I simply shut down out of being over whelmed. I know I need a therapist. I know I need to get back on my medication. I currently don't have insurance. My intrusive thoughts are not a danger to myself or others (unless you count the symptoms that are slowly killing me.) 

I'm not posting for pity, rather recognition of an actual disease and maybe help even one other person to seek help. And to let others know, they're not alone. This has ruined relationships for me. I am a literal nightmare when the panic sets in because I mask in either anger or hyperfixation. 

There are real physical symptoms that show with anxiety and they're downplayed because it's not an actual heart attack, it's "just anxiety". It's just stress. You just need to calm down. Mental health is so downplayed in society, yet stress is KNOWN to kill. 

Please don't let others downplay your mental health. As a biological entity, every part of your body is connected and it is actual physical health. 

One symptom I experience is exhaustion. I am constantly tired. It's a fight to do anything. I can spend days inside away from everyone, I'm actually currently typing this on my bed. I can talk myself out of doing anything including what needs to be done. I change dinner plans, procrastinate, I shouldn't trust any decision making without discussion. 

No energy: Not getting out of bed, going to the kitchen in my one floor apartment is hard, 

Isolation: I will purposely avoid going out. I'll send the boys to the store, I'll ask Jim to pick things up. I don't answer the phone. I put my phone on do not disturb and only allow emergency calls. I only have one sister on the bypass list and frequently take it down to just her and Jim and the boys. (Yes, the best way to contact me is text. And even then, I don't promise a reply.) This also part of Disinterest in everything and Foolish mistakes. And possibly Depression, most likely depression. 

Broken sleep: I'm up off and on all night. Nearly every night. 

Difficulty thinking, Forgetting words: Brain fog. I get it a lot when I am getting a cluster headache as well. Which are brought on by stress. 

This is the type of exhaustion that sleep doesn't help. 

I've been known to walk out my bedroom door, look around and walk right back in. Especially if things are out of place or as in often place, completely trashed. A lot of my anxiety comes from the home. I don't feel like I have anyone to lean on to help out. For example, yesterday: I asked everyone for help with dishes or to kill flies. Someone (cough cough me) left an unscreened window open to run a fan for the animals when we had to go out. The result is a crap ton of flies. I've been killing them as fast as I can. Jamey helped with dishes, but Jim and Ed decided that since the flies were in the screened windows, they were in the clear. (I do have them mostly gone, there are just a few pesky ones that play hit and run. I hate flies. They lead to maggots and ick. (And just the thought of them causes more anxiety.) 

Not only the home though. Crowds. I hate them. Every two weeks we have to go to the Strip district in Pittsburgh for the pharmacy. Going anywhere in Pittsburgh, especially anywhere near downtown is a nightmare of crowding, but a two block radius of restaurants, stores, etc and it's my second worse nightmare only overshadowed by being in the middle of several classrooms of kindergarteners and preschoolers. (That one came true around 20 years ago. It's still a trauma) 

Overwhelmed is defeat. I can't move. I feel utter dread. Completely defeated. I react with either total shut down or anger which makes me look bat crap crazy or a combo of both. It makes me want to run and go off on my own, leaving everyone behind. 

Overwhelmed is not fun. Someone once told me that noone should have to do it all themselves, yet they weren't willing to pitch in. Overwhelmed makes you question everything and everyone. And I've been running on it, in different degrees, for over 30 years. 

Panic is scary. Panic can cause so many health symptoms. Panic is something a lot of people poo poo as not serious. Believe me, when you heart is racing, you blood pressure is so high you can hear it, your eyes are going blurry, you can't breathe... And chest pain starts? It feels pretty serious. And it can come out of no where. It doesn't have to be some huge event. Sometimes it's as simple as a phone call you don't want to have to deal with. That doesn't bode well when you are working as a phone customer service rep. 

I physically got sick. I ended up spending the night in the ER due to chest pains and blood pressure so high that I was a stroke risk. At the same time I discovered "allergies" that I never had before. Since then, (twoish so years) I have discovered that the hives coming out of no where (when I haven't been around tea or pet urine) are because of stress. A panic attack causes hives. There is a high probability that it also caused my uvulitis. I have been on allergy meds daily for two years now. Without them, I break out and in some very sensitive areas other than my arms and back of head. I have scratched the back of my head open so many times that I lost count. 

Of course all of this leads to fear, which makes it all more stressful in a It's a vicious cycle of events. Anticipating what is going to happen, afraid if I need to go to the emergency room. I never want another stress test. I thought I was going to die. I'm afraid of the embarrassment this has caused. The judgment. Not only is there a stigma aligned with mental health, panic disorders are considered a nothing burger to overcome, and "everyone has some sort of anxiety", some people just don't understand how utterly crippling it  can be unmedicated. 

And last but not least is the worry. Which leads back to everything else.