12/12/15

The Daily Truth




My time for being able to hide upstairs is over. Mom is coming home today. She's already been released. Dad will be picking her up after lunch. I'm fairly certain she turned down the program that would get more nurses in here watching her closer and that would give me a break. I know, I'm a selfish bitch for even thinking it. But, my Dad does absolutely nothing. I get up and give her breakfast, and everything else. I empty the toilet, I have to be down there when the nurses are there, I get all of her medications and make sure she takes them. I'm usually up from 6:30am - 12-1 am every day. He either takes off for parts unknown or stays in his room reading and watching TV.


It doesn't help that there is a lot of resentment that I don't dare show. He likes to run his mouth to everyone who will listen and he's usually wrong. He does pay the majority of the bills here. We pay our car insurance, the car payment internet and phones, plus buy groceries and try to keep up with the boys medical expenses. I don't get a dime for keeping up the house, I don't get a dime for taking care of Mom. Yes I would have to keep up my own home, but my guys would help out more if they weren't so resentful of Dad being able to do as he pleases, while I struggle to find "sitters" for Mom so I can do anything. It usually ends up being Jamey.



And now that Mom is home, the messes will begin. My boys clean up their own spills, I have to clean moms. It could be 3 am if she spills a soda, I have to go clean it. I've changed her entire bed in the middle of the night many many times. Don't get me wrong, shes my Mother, I love her. But one person doing everything is impossible. Something gets left undone. Things get forgotten. Important things. Appointments for the boys, medications not being refilled. I get so exhausted that I just want to cry. And Dad won't even start a load of laundry or bring his dish in from outside.


And now on top of that all, she wants to decorate. The dining room table is stacked high of her stuff. The last time I cleared things off, I was accused of going through her things. Like I was some sort of thief. Add that to nothing I do being good enough... Everyone does everything better than I do. There's times I just want to scream, well where are they? Let them do it.


I told ya, I can be a total bitch.

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@TerrorMom

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I guess I'm actually supposed to fill this out. I'm a passionate medical mom of a 19 year old liver/CRPS patient. My goal with my blog is to raise awareness for his conditions. And to hash out my feelings about it. There are a lot of raw emotions when your life is suddenly stalled by any illness, let alone your child's illness. 

I'm also attempting to either "find myself" or "remake myself". So much of my time and energy goes into caring for both my mother (end stage COPD) and son, along with trying to be Mom to my younger son and a wife, that most of the time I feel lost. I tend to put myself on a back burner and right now I'm burning out. 
 

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