12/11/15

The Daily Truth 12/11



What I truly want for Christmas is something no amount of money could buy. I want my boys to be happy. I would love a relationship with my sisters. I miss the big family Christmas with Gram and Pap coming to visit, the aunts and cousins around. Gram being at the table peeling potatoes. God I miss her. And Gram and Pap were the glue that held the other side together. 



Looking at the past only brings heartache. I'm not really sure where I went wrong. I know my in laws weren't popular with my side of the family. Hell, I'm not popular with them. I adore my nieces and nephews But I barely know any of them anymore. Yes partially my fault, I will take that blame. I pulled the boys away when they were little. But I did it for the right reasons.


Shortly before we found out Jamey was on the way, my husbands brother was arrested for exposing himself to a girlfriends young daughters and nieces. For that he received probation. Then he molested his new step daughter. For that he went away for six years. Jamey was five when he got out and Ed was just an infant. We were living in Colorado. Even my niece told us that he was back to his old tricks.


When we moved back to PA, despite my making it clear that I did not want him around my sons, he was always around. When he showed up, we left. By then, no one believed he had done it, or they believed he had served his time. I don't believe a pedophile can be "cured" . Effectively, the family made the choice of having him around over knowing the boys and I was (and still am) ok with that. When my father in law passed 4 years ago, I had a face to face with Mike and told him exactly where I stood. He was not to be around my kids. I still feel that way.


For my side, we were never really close. I thought we were. But, it was so easy to fall apart once the anchors were gone. And the fact that I was willing to give the boys up to foster care when we were homeless didn't go over well. I suppose they would have felt better knowing they were sleeping under a bridge rather than a warm safe home. I stand by that by the way. The boys understood and they knew it was the hardest decision I never had to make (Thank God.) We spent one night in the car, but  more than a few nights sleeping on floors with friends (for which I am grateful. Eternally so. They were there when our family turned their backs.)


It's terrifying when you walk away from a relatives home with everything you can carry and a ferret. No car because the motor blew, no place to go. Sadly, I can't guarantee that it won't happen again,  Only this time with the car repoed and Jamey far worse than he was then. And now that he's 19, I don't have the option of foster care. It would be a death sentence to him if it happens when he's listed. They could take him off the list until we found a place to live. They will not give a liver to someone who can't afford the after care. And thats a fear I live with every day. There is no where to turn. I don't have family support, and we were directly told that the only reason we could stay with my parents is so I could take care of Mom. I have no idea what will happen if she passes.

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@TerrorMom

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I guess I'm actually supposed to fill this out. I'm a passionate medical mom of a 19 year old liver/CRPS patient. My goal with my blog is to raise awareness for his conditions. And to hash out my feelings about it. There are a lot of raw emotions when your life is suddenly stalled by any illness, let alone your child's illness. 

I'm also attempting to either "find myself" or "remake myself". So much of my time and energy goes into caring for both my mother (end stage COPD) and son, along with trying to be Mom to my younger son and a wife, that most of the time I feel lost. I tend to put myself on a back burner and right now I'm burning out. 
 

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