Let's Chat !2/11/2015

I'm not really in a chatty mood this morning. somethings I can talk about, others I can't. I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself for the most part. Some of it is my own doing, but some of it is because circumstances suck. I'm not afraid to own my faults. I am far from perfect. I don't want to be perfect. But there are times that I just want a friend to have coffee with, to talk about things other than my life right now.

Next to the feeling of panic of not knowing whats going on with your child, the worst feeling has to be the isolation and loneliness while being surrounded by people. That brave front is more likely than not a fake smile hiding tears. I'm getting better, it's been months since I have walked around Walmart in actual tears. Wait there was October when I had to leave a JV game because I was crying too hard to fake it.

I just get so overwhelmed with different emotions and it makes it impossible to keep it in. My faith is sorely being tested and I'm failing in a big way. I get so angry, then I feel guilty, then I remember that even Jesus questioned God at a few points. Then I get angry again. Don't worry, thats about as religious as I go. I'm not here to push my beliefs down your throat. I try to live my life showing instead of telling. 

My parents are fighting to decorate again. And the cookies. I don't want any of it. I can't enjoy the tree, it reminds me of my failure and brings false hope. I hate the work involved with both set up and take down of all the knick knacks. Jamey was told to avoid sugar. With how little he's eating now, I would rather it not be cookies and candy. Ed is impulsive and is eating enough for 3 teenagers at the moment with this newest growth spurt. I would rather he have more dairy and protein instead of junk. And if there are cookies, they will eat them. I will eat them and my rear can't afford them either. And thats the other thing, the expense. I'm struggling to put food on the table, theres no room for junk food. 

I can't follow our own traditions. We have hardly any family to create new ones, Jamey isn't well enough to go out of the house if we did. My friends have moved on and I don't blame them. It's early yet, maybe I'll go down and make some pumpkin bread and eat it all. Of course that won't help e fitting into my pants...



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I guess I'm actually supposed to fill this out. I'm a passionate medical mom of a 19 year old liver/CRPS patient. My goal with my blog is to raise awareness for his conditions. And to hash out my feelings about it. There are a lot of raw emotions when your life is suddenly stalled by any illness, let alone your child's illness. 

I'm also attempting to either "find myself" or "remake myself". So much of my time and energy goes into caring for both my mother (end stage COPD) and son, along with trying to be Mom to my younger son and a wife, that most of the time I feel lost. I tend to put myself on a back burner and right now I'm burning out. 

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